Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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