either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
