i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
