He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
