It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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