Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
