So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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