I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
