This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
