Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
