I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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