You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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