I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
