nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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