it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
