At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
