I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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