Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
