No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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