I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
