So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
