Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
