Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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