i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Randomize
