You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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