Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
