Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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