Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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