he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
someone owes me an orgasm
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
