She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
