Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
