i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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