I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
