Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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