I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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