Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
