He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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