Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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