He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
