On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We need a shit load of segways right now
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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