he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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