all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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