ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
