Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
