So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
