There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Is that strawberry winking at me??
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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