I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
