Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
