There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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