the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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