I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
