honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize