This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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