im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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