He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
