What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
stop calling my apartment porn island.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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