So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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