i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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