i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
