dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Randomize
