happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
