I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
So apparently I’m into choking now
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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