In America we eat man semen.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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