At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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