eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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