So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
