Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
