he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Randomize
