apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
