You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
