At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
