No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
