I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
