Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
